Hello all, I am back. My little posts should be showing up more often now that I have time to write them. Or, at least I’ll finish writing this one for now.
*Sigh.* Alright, so, my last post was about us moving and doing a TV show, correct?
Well, we did it. We picked up all seventeen of my rabbits, eight dogs, one parakeet, and five people. We stuffed all thirty one of us in a mini van and an SUV. Oh, and one dog and person were in the moving truck.
I was excited. I saw a big adventure a head of us – a good one – that is. Now that it’s over, I look at myself and grimace. I regret some of the things I did. I laugh at myself, how silly I was to think so positively. Me, someone who is always saying negative things according to my family, I was looking at this experience like it was the best thing that could ever happen.
After all, I was going to be on TV. Who doesn’t want that?! Lots of people. But I was too immature to understand that it wouldn’t be all fun and games.
After three days of driving and eating nothing but junk and three days of hardly any exercise or even leg-stretching, we were driving. But this time, we were driving the driveway that led to our 80 acres.
Was I absolutely astonished by how gorgeous it was? No. I will admit that no, I was not. It wasn’t (and still isn’t) my dream property – it doesn’t come close.
Our whole property was clear-cut four years ago. The reason why I love Oregon is because it’s so shady and full of two hundred foot tall trees – everywhere. But our property? We are not surrounded by trees. There’s lots of shade, enough to where people from the dry plains of Kansas could fall asleep outside in the midst of a “hot” Summer day.
The problem was that it wasn’t what I expected.
I carry such a burden – that burden is that I always expect better or worse than what I get. I expected amazing… is that what I received? No. Any normal person would have been absolutely ecstatic. Was I? I wasn’t. I was being ungrateful – but most of all – I was much too expectant. It’s like traveling for days to finally see the Great Wall of China – a trip that you’ve had planned for almost two years – and ending up at the Famous Gum Wall. It feels like someone has just knocked your absolutely fantastic smoothie off of the table and replaced it with plain old water. Except worse. 😉
I will give you an example.
Today, I was walking on the driveway, and saw a little round thing on the driveway. It looked like a bolt or an object of that matter, maybe a metal piece that had fallen out of something mechanical. Maybe there’s a 5% chance that someone has been looking for it and I’ll make their day if I give it to them. So, I walk over to it and pick it up, only to find that it’s a Styrofoam/plastic thing that no one would even notice was gone. I expected something that might have some value of some sort – and it didn’t. Not at all.
It might be a fairly lame example, but it’s just to show you. I have a problem with expectant thinking.
So, the big hole in my plans – was that the rabbits had no place to stay. I had seventeen animals, RELYING ON ME TO SUSTAIN THEIR LITTLE HAPPY LIVES, and I had no place to put them. Utter failure on my part.
These animals – living beings – were relying on me (one person) to take care of them. I didn’t give that to them. How is it that I can have a place to live that is decent enough, and they can’t? It wasn’t fair, and that sunk deep into my mind. All my heart ever did was ponder my regrets and mistakes. I started being a jerk to the people I loved – and how can you do that when you love someone? It was my weakness, because the people I knew loved me are the most forgiving people I will ever know. Because they love me.
I would give it my all to be a National Pain In The Rear End, all because I was mad.
For the first month, I was really depressed. I didn’t want to get up and do anything, I didn’t even want to take care of the rabbits because I couldn’t stand to see them like they were. No one cared about my dilemma with these rabbits that had no place to go, it was only me, and I couldn’t do anything by myself. I can’t put up a secure building and build tons of pens for them by myself in a few days. I needed help – but no one was offering because no one had time to care.
I was absolutely fed up with my life, my home, my animals, and my irresponsibility. I didn’t want to do anything anyone else wanted – because I was angry. I didn’t want to help anyone – because no one was helping me. I was mad, and I denied that anyone would ever listen to me and care about what I had to say.
I was done. That’s simply it. I didn’t have a home. In my mind, I was homeless. There wasn’t anywhere in Oregon or any of the other forty-nine states that felt like home. I was here, and this is just a place. I could say “I live here.” Not, “This is my home.” It wasn’t.
Being so young, I hadn’t ever had to deal with this sort of pressure. Nothing of this multitude had ever been expected of me. I was supposed to be happy about where we were, but instead, I struck down anyone and everyone’s positive comments. I was told that I could pack up, leave, and go back home. The truth was that I couldn’t. That was really hard to suck up and deal with.
I tried to make it through my horrible thoughts and remind myself that there are people who really do love me in the world. It was a battle between my crazy mind, and reality. It was a matter of reminding my heart that if I continued on with this mentality, I would be making the people who I love… sad. I would devastate them. I couldn’t have them thinking the thoughts that I was.
And so… I made myself get over it. I did get help to build my rabbits a place to stay – a month after we got there. I coped with the fact that we were stuck here, and I accepted it. I realized that life is special – and you’re only living your life once, so make it count. Just do it. Because injuring the people YOU love, it isn’t worth it. Spend the time you have here to make others happy.
Even if it doesn’t seem like it, there is someone on this Earth that loves you. In my case, there are many. Many many many. And hurting the people who love me – the people who I love – it’s not worth the struggle. And, if none of this makes sense to you, my mind is writing for me. These are honest thoughts that come from me and my heart.
This blog isn’t what I expected it to be – but it is what it is. That is fine with me. It’s a little online notepad for me to write on every once in awhile, and that is better than nothing.
And for anyone who is wondering… things are going well now. My next post will be about the rabbits. This one was supposed to be – because I have news for you all about them – but I didn’t stop writing when I should have.
To anyone who read all of that, thank you. Have a fantastic week. 🙂